


If you love me, don't let go

by LFMH021



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: A lil OOC but who cares?, After TKM, Angst, Angst with a HAPPY ENDING yess happy ending but the chapters will still hurt, But the Foxes will look for him and not let him go, Crying, DIfferent POVs but mostly Neil and Andrew, F/M, Forgive Me, Future Fic by kinda my own world, I love hurting myself and my readers emotionally, I read an angsty manga and it inspired me, M/M, Multi Chapter, Neil is running away again, Neil will have a bodyguard whom I think you will love, Own and new characters will be in here, Self-Indulgent, Some from the extra content Nora mentioned will not be here, This will hurt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-08-30 22:32:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8551732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LFMH021/pseuds/LFMH021
Summary: “I’m going to take you away. You’re coming with me to Europe, you’ll re-start your life there; the little boss has agreed to re-construct your deal. Jackson and Romero are on the loose, if you don’t get away from there, you’ll bring your teammates to harm, they will be involved again. I will take you secretly tomorrow evening, 11PM, at the construction site in your campus. Don’t tell anyone.” – Stuart HatfordA single text was all it took for Neil’s plans for a happy life to ruins.He was a martyr. He’d rather be in pain than involve the Foxes again. So he left. Not a single note. Not even a goodbye. Andrew woke up with an empty bunk below him. His first thought was: “Never again.” This comes right after ‘The King’s Men.’





	1. Come back

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Guys! So yes, I am actually making a mutli-chapter fanfiction for the All for the Game Series by Nora Sakavic. It is multi-chapter but it wouldn't probably be too long, because if it is, I might never be able to finish it. 
> 
> Anyway, a BL manga entitled: 'Blood Bank' inspired me to be angst-y again, so I got this idea and quickly typed it down. 
> 
> Some parts which Nora mentioned in her extra content wouldn't be included here because I can't. And there will be some original characters. Neil will have a bodyguard, whom I am already loving even though his characterization is still a draft.
> 
> Neil is still demisexual. Andrew is still an asshole. Kevin is still a junkie. Aaron still doesn't care. Nicky is still too mouthy. Allison is still too frank. Renee is still too kind and scary. Dan is still a great big-sister. Wymack is still supportive. Abby is still so caring. Bee is still herself. 
> 
> I don't even know if I will finish this fanfiction, but oh well. Here you go, anyways.
> 
> [Title came from X Ambassadors' song for Me Before You: Unsteady]
> 
> Enjoy the feels train!

**_Chapter One: Come back._ **

Neil was happy.

After nineteen years, he could finally say that he was truly happy. Not because his mother and he had managed to escape his father and his men yet again. Not because he successfully changed his name again with no further complications. Not because he was able to watch an Exy game from afar and wish he was also in the court.

He was happy because he had everything he had ever wanted. He had a home – no, he had a lot of places he could now call home: The Foxhole Court, the Fox Tower, Wymack’s place, their house in Columbia. He had friends and teammates whom he could refer to as: ‘family’ even if they were not even related by blood, Nicky even playfully mentioned that their dad was Wymack and their mother was Abby. He was made to run thirty laps when this comment reached Wymack’s ears. He also had Andrew; it has been months since Andrew had officially did not deny that there was ‘this’ between them just right after the championship against the Ravens, although he still occasionally and casually say: ‘There’s no this.’

The day after, classes would start, that’s why Neil was trying to enjoy the last few days of freedom before going down the hell they called as ‘school.’

By enjoying himself, he meant not going to practice today because all of his muscles were protesting after the new five-hour training regime Kevin had given him. Since they won the championship, Kevin felt more obliged to train harder to not disappoint Ichirou, and not embarrass their team. Dan sometimes wondered aloud if she was still the captain which brought laughter around the court.

Neil tried to stand up from the beanbag chair he sat on, but his legs ached so much that he collapsed back. He gave up from wanting to make a cup of coffee, and settled on watching a not-humurous Comedy show on the TV. Why did they even do this kind of shows?

Andrew came with Kevin because who could actually drop and pick the damn drama queen if not for Andrew. He threw a glance at Neil before shoving Kevin out of the door to accompany the latter for practice.

Neil sighed contentedly and played with the armbands around his arms. The months he spent by Andrew’ side was the happiest moments of his life. Whatever they had probably looked odd to others, but he felt satisfied being with Andrew. They knew each other’s demons. They knew each other’s scarred pasts. They knew the pain each other endured. And it was alright, anyway.

From small touches, they could hold hands now without Andrew tensing too much. Neil had become comfortable with his scars too, and stripped in front of Andrew without hesitation. They had taken turns so many times, they both almost ran out of truths they could tell each other. They even spent their spare time during summer break to learn a new language for both of them only: Russian. It irritated Aaron and Kevin that they couldn’t understand a thing whenever Andrew and Neil talked in Russian. What they didn’t know was that Andrew just like talking shit behind their backs.

They hadn’t crossed the line and done the ‘thing’ yet, but Neil insisted he was willing to participate when Andrew was ready. He was flipped off, which he just laughed at.

“Yesterday, while I was falling in line to pay the purchases I did in the supermarket, a foreigner approached one those fixing the cereals and while holding an egg, and exclaimed: ‘Where mother?’” One of the hosts said.

Neil couldn’t help himself from laughing.

“Like what the fuck? ‘Where mother?’ Because apparently, he didn’t know the English term for chicken. Even the cashier laughed. The foreigner, thank goodness, was oblivious and went to the poultry section yelling: ‘Chick-eeen.’ It sounded weird. Chick-in.”

He wiped the tears from his eyes as he continued laughing. He hadn’t laughed freely like this for years. In fact, he couldn’t remember if he ever laughed before coming to Palmetto State.

Neil jumped in surprise when his phone vibrated from on top the bedside table. Sighing, he painstakingly extended his arm until he finally reached it. He almost dropped it because of his laziness. He flipped it open, expecting Andrew’s name to turn up on the screen as he scrolled through his Inbox.

His heart thumped loud when he saw the name: ‘Uncle Stuart’ as the one with unread message. He had saved his Uncle’s number in case of emergencies, but he never thought he’d receive a text from him.

Gulping, he opened the message. He knew he would regret this choice. His heart hammered in his chest as he read its’ contents,

_“I’m going to take you away. You’re coming with me to Europe, you’ll re-start your life there; the little boss has agreed to re-construct your deal; I talked to the FBI about your name and files. Jackson and Romero are on the loose, if you don’t get away from there, you’ll bring your teammates to harm, they will be involved again. I will take you secretly tomorrow evening, 11PM, at the construction site in your campus. Don’t tell anyone.”_

From the way the message was constructed, he knew that it truly came from his Uncle – this realization didn’t truly ease the pain in his heart. It was too sudden that he stared at the screen blank-faced.

_Take me away? Again?_

_Change my name and identity again?_

_I only have ‘til tomorrow night to be with the Foxes?_

He begun to type down a reply – a protest- until realization hit him. Jackson and Romero wanted revenge against him, but they couldn’t exactly hurt the Foxes if he wasn’t in Palmetto because it would gain nothing and might even bring them trouble; instead they’d concentrate on looking for him to kill him. If he protested, his Uncle Stuart might honor his request because he wasn’t as cruel as Nathan Wesninski, but would tell him that it would be the riskiest option he could take and it could kill not only one, but most of the Foxes. He couldn’t involve them to so much agony again. They’d been into too much already.

_And you haven’t?_

He shook his head and shut his eyes before opening them. “I’m used to pain. This is not new to me.”

Browning was right with his accusation months ago. It was better if he disappears.

He deleted his previous statements as reply, and typed out three simple sentences instead:

_Okay, Uncle. I understand. Thank you._

It was too sudden, but he was exactly foreign with rushed decisions and hurried moving on. He had done it for eight –almost nine- years, after all.

He finally stood up and knelt down on the floor infront of the drawers. His head was throbbing with the abruptness in the change of his situation. Tears were threatening to fall down his cheeks, but he pushed them down, knowing Andrew would notice his puffy eyes once they arrived back in the dorm.

God, Andrew. He didn’t know what he should tell the goalkeeper. In fact, he didn’t even know if he had the courage to tell him.

 _“You’re not going anywhere.”_ Andrew wouldn’t let him go. If he told him about this, Andrew would stay up ‘til 11PM tomorrow night and block his exit. The blond might even go to the construction site himself and threaten his Uncle to never suggest such a thing again.

And that meant he couldn’t say anything to the goalkeeper. Andrew would let him go if he pleaded, but he couldn’t bear the emotions that would flicker in those hazel eyes. He’s rather go without a word.

He looked at his wristwatch. “Half an hour before they come back,” He murmured, and then pulled his duffel bag. He placed the binder inside. One time when he and Dan talked as captain and vice-captain, Neil asked her for copies of the pictures placed on the locker room’s walls. She enthusiastically agreed, and gave him copies the very next day. He changed the articles inside his binder into the photos she gave him. After his father’s death, Stuart passed the amount Nathan had under his name to Neil by making him an account, and giving the ATM to Neil through a security guard of PSU. It contained millions, which would greatly help him again now.

He suddenly wondered if his Uncle knew this would happen sooner or later. If he did, he should have mentioned it to him, because he wasn’t ready to let this go.

A day wasn’t enough to move on.

A day wasn’t enough to forget.

A day wasn’t enough to cut the ties he had created with his ‘family.’

A day wasn’t enough to say harden his heart again, and get rid of all the attachments away.

He shoved new clothes, which wouldn’t stand out too much, inside his duffel bag on top of his binder. His hand twitched with the keys inside his pants’ pockets.

“Tomorrow. I’ll place these and the phone tomorrow inside the bag. Let me hold onto them for now.” He wasn’t sure who he was talking to, but he needed to hear the words, so he said them out loud anyway.

He pushed the duffel bag inside the empty drawer at the bottom, and then placed inside his wallet an emergency pack of disposable contacts lens. He also took out the remaining bleach for his hair, which he hadn’t used ever since Riko brought back the real color of his hair, and put them under the drawer which contained his clothes that he’d use tomorrow night to escape.

Neil looked outside the window when he heard the familiar sound of the Maserati parking outside the Fox Tower. He pursed his lips in a thin line, and then took few deep breaths before schooling his expression to its’ neutral expression. He buried himself in the bean chair, and pretended as if he hadn’t moved since the two went out.

After few moments, the door of their suite opened. Kevin glared at him, probably still irritated that he skipped practice, and slammed the door shut as he went inside the bathroom.

Andrew ignored both strikers, opened the window, and lit up a cigarette as he gazed at the campus outside.

“How was practice?” He asked casually. Hoping his mask wouldn’t slip.

The goalkeeper didn’t look at him as he replied, “He only scored five against fifty attempted shots.”

He grinned, genuinely proud that Andrew was making effort to actually practice and block Kevin’s shots. “Hah. Must be why he’s so pissed off. I should have gone with you to mock him after. What a waste.”

Andrew didn’t respond. After a while, he threw the cigarette down the window and approached Neil, towering before him. “And you? What did you do for almost two hours?”

 _Lie._ “I became one with the bean chair,” He said.

“You and your fucking smart mouth,” Andrew growled, leaned down and kissed him. He knew better than to touch Andrew, but he did gingerly took one of the blond’s hand and squeezed because his clock was ticking again. If he was going away, he didn’t want to go with regrets.

[He was lying. He’d always regret this decision of his. He’d always regret the fact that he was going to leave Andrew again with nothing.]

After what almost felt like only a second, Andrew withdrew, but just to catch his breath. Their faces were still only three inches away from each other. He stared at those hazel eyes that he had grown to love too much. Those hazel eyes that might look apathetic all the time but actually held so many emotions. Those hazel eyes that pinned him and aroused him with just a look. He’d fucking miss them. It hurt to know he only had several hours to look into them.

Andrew burrowed his eyebrows and tilted Neil’s chin up. “What’s wrong?”

Did his mask slip?

He feigned confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Fuck you, Josten. Don’t you dare play dumb with me,” Andrew growled.

He bit his bottom lip and clutched the portion of his shirt over his chest. “I just had a panic attack earlier, and was out of it for few minutes. I must still feel the after-effects of hyperventilating.” He was back to lying. It was painful to hear such lies out of his mouth.

Andrew studied his face. “What caused it?”

He shook his head, looking for a new lie to back-up his previous one. “I don’t know. I suddenly felt suffocated,” He said. He tugged Andrew down and placed a chaste kiss on those soft lips. “I’m fine now. It didn’t even last that long.”

Andrew frowned at him, but after few more moments, he finally stood up and never mentioned the subject again.

 

* * *

 

He only had ten hours. It scared him that time was ticking way too quickly as he tried his best to slow it down.

They mostly spent the day in the court practicing and inside the girls’ room, playing board games and watching weird, out-of-this-world movies. He was pressed by Andrew’s side on the couch the whole time, not really watching whatever was on, and just feeling the warmth and comfort he felt as he looked at his family gathered together in this suite room. In the middle of the movie, he got bored and asked permission if he could lean his head on Andrew’s chest and his hand to intertwine Andrew’s. The goalkeeper gave him a questioning look, confused with his clingy-ness, but sighed and whispered, “Yes” to both of his requests. Faking irritation.

His phone buzzed on top of the table on Andrew’s right, and his eyes widened. It was his countdown. His Uncle had been texting him since 12AM earlier, telling him how many hours he still had left. It was both terrifying and comforting.

Andrew reached for it, and was about to flip it open when Neil gasped and grabbed it away from the blond’s hand. “No!” He exclaimed silently. The others didn’t seem to notice the scene they were doing, and kept their eyes on the screen. Andrew, though, was staring at him, a demand on his gaze. He gulped and pocketed his phone before leaning his head on the blond’s chest again.

He was an idiot if he thought the blond would let it go that easily. “Neil, are you hiding something from us again?”

He stifled his flinch. “I’m not.”

“Another lie and I’ll shove you down away from my chest, Neil, and choke out the truth from that mouth of yours.” Andrew never backed out from a threat, even from Neil.

He internally panicked, and looked for a lie that would save him from further interrogations. He sighed and mumbled, “It was supposed to be a surprise.” It was a half-lie.

“I hate surprises.”

“But even so. What’s the sense of it being a surprise if I tell you about it?” He grumbled, hoping his acting would suffice. It had been awhile since he brought up all of his walls, and painted his life with lies after lie. Deceit after deceit. His chest hurt.

Andrew looked down at him. “And when will I know this surprise of yours?”

He shrugged a shoulder. “Tomorrow morning, right after you wake up.”

“I’m holding you for your word, Josten,” The blond warned, and lifted his gaze to resume watching whatever it was on the TV screen. Neil wanted so badly to wipe his mouth with soap-- disgusted at himself for lying to the person he considered to be dear to him.

Thankfully, it was raining when they went back to their room at nine in the evening, so the noise it created was enough to stifle the noise the drawer created when he pulled out his duffel bag. Because of too much alcohol in their system, Kevin collapsed on his bed right after he fell on it. Andrew had a short shower after he did. He was drying his hair when Andrew pulled him down and placed a fierce kiss on his lips. Tongues clashed. Teeth tore skin. But he was satisfied as Andrew pushed him, and climbed on his bunk.

They talked about anything and everything for a half an hour before Andrew’s breathing finally evened out. He listened carefully, and stood up to change his clothes as quietly as possible when the rain poured down even harder.

He took a quick look around their suite room one last time before slinging his duffel bag over his shoulder and tjptoe-ing towards the door. Andrew was still asleep, his nightmares casted away with all the memories Neil shared with him just few minutes ago.

It hurt. He bolted out of the door when he felt doubts crushing onto him. He had everything for several months, and now they were slipping out his reach one after another.

The hallways and corridors were silent since most slept early for the start of classes tomorrow. He silently ran down the staircase and slipped out of the doors. There were security guards around the campus, but he slipped out of their range of sight within seconds. He was, after all, a flight risk—a runner. He was tempted to grab his racquet and gear in his locker, but knew this act would only add more into the ache in his heart whenever he looked at them.

So he proceeded to stride towards the meeting place. Of course, his Uncle’s car was already parked there, back seat’s door open. He stopped in front of the door, and turned his head to take a last look at Palmetto State University – his home for a year and so.

He bit his bottom lip, and sat down on backseat, placing his duffel beside him. Stuart closed the doors and started the engine. “I am sorry for the suddenness of this, Nathaniel—“

He winced with the name.

Stuart noticed from the rearview mirror. “What name would you go with?”

“I’d like to stay as Neil Josten, if that is possible,” He murmured.

“How about Neil Josten Hatford?” Stuart suggested as he swivelled the car to the road heading towards the intersection. “I’d actually like it if you’d continue our line.”

“I’ll be the last,” He hissed.

Stuart spared him a glance from the rearview mirror and then kept his eyes on the road. “You can cry, Neil. I know how much this must hurt.”

He bit his bottom lip, and finally let the tears trail down his cheeks. He looked back, and saw the Foxhole Court getting smaller and smaller, and his heart’s pieces cracked into a million pieces.

“Thank you. You were amazing,” He murmured – not only to Andrew but to everyone and everything that gave his life a little happiness and hope for over a year.

 

* * *

 

 

Andrew jolted awake when he realized Neil’s usual alarm tone wasn’t ringing wildly on top of the bedside table. He frowned, and sat up. It was unusually quiet.

He grabbed the knives under his pillow, his armbands just beside his left arm, and stepped down the ladder. He froze on the last step down when he found Neil’s bed empty. He approached it and placed a palm on the sheets.

Cold.

No, it wasn’t just cold for being left early. It wasn’t even touched. The pillows had no creases. The sheets weren’t wrinkled. It was too perfectly made.

His heart beat quickened, and he knelt to pull the drawer where Neil put his duffel bag in. “No,” He growled as he found it empty. He shoved open the other drawers next and even Neil’s binder was missing. Few of his new clothes were gone.

He reached for the top of the bedside table and Neil’s phone and keys were also not there. Neil was gone. He took off hours ago.

Not a single note. Not a word of goodbye. Not a text of ‘farewell.’

He just disappeared like a storm that just passed by.

“Never again,” Andrew hissed and took out his phone. He pressed ‘1’ and waited for it to connect. Surprisingly, it begun to connect to Neil’s phone. After three rings, the striker finally answered.

A pause. _“Hello?”_

"What a great surprise this is, Josten. Really didn't expect it. You gave me one more reason to hate surprises." He snapped.

_"Andrew..."_

“You fucking asshole! Where did you go?” He growled and kicked the soda cans Neil left behind last night on the floor. It clattered loudly on the floor.

A shuddering breath. _“I’m sorry, Andrew.”_

He gritted his teeth. He didn’t need the apology Neil was giving him. What he needed was a location where he could find the martyr, and bring him back home. “That is not the response I wanted, Abram. Answer me.”

_“I cannot tell you that, Andrew.”_

“Castle Evermore?” He asked, hoping to catch Neil off-guard and gain the answer he needed.

Neil had the audacity to laugh half-heartedly. _“No,”_ He paused. _“It’s not Castle Evermore. Somewhere further. Somewhere you won’t ever see me.”_

He grabbed the lamp on the table and smashed on the floor. “Neil Abram Josten, where the fuck are you?” He snarled.

 _“I’m so sorry, Andrew,”_ Neil whispered again, his voice cracking.

He sat down on Neil’s bed, and gripped his hair with one hand. “Fine. Tell me when you will be coming back.”

Silence. Dread filled his heart with the implication of this quietness. _“Never. I’m going away for good.”_

He couldn’t help himself from replying with, “Are you trying to kill me?”

 _“Did you think this decision didn’t kill me too?”_ Neil sobbed.

He was tempted to stay silent as revenge, but knew it wouldn’t do any good, so he said the words he was dying to say since earlier: “Then, come back.” He was ready to say ‘Please’ if this would bring the auburn head back.

_“I can’t. I can’t risk your lives again. It is better if I disappear.”_

“I told you to stay, didn’t I? You’re not supposed to go anywhere!” He yelled and hit the pole of their bed with a clenched fist. It clanked so loudly, Kevin finally woke up. “Neil, don’t do this.”

Neil was crying on the other line, it clenched Andrew’s heart. _“Andrew, I hope you will have a happy and healthy life. I hope you’ll live happily even without me by your side. I hope…”_ He faltered and hiccupped. _“I hope you’ll find someone who’ll give you the love you deserve.”_

 _I already did. And he’s telling me goodbye right now._ He thought ,and bit his lips. “Fuck you.”

A sniff. _“I love you, Andrew.”_

He grew speechless, and he stared non-seeing on the wall before him. Shocked with the words that he just received. “You—“ He cut himself off, unsure how to reply.

 _“I cannot risk your lives again. I love you too much to bring you to harm’s way again. I love you. I love you. I love you,”_ Neil sounded desperate now, like, if he didn’t say these words now, he would never be able to say them again.

 _Come back. Come back. Come back._ He clutched his phone tightly, ready to protest again. “Neil—“ He started.

_"Thank you...for the keys, the trust, the truths, the kisses, everything. You were amazing."_

Not this again.

 _"I love you,"_ He couldn't breathe.  _"Goodbye."_

“No--!” But the line was dead; the connection cut off. He tried calling again, but the operator said it was out of the coverage area meaning eitehr Neil turned his phone off or he crushed it to remove evidence of his trail.

He stared at the phone in his hand. He gritted his teeth and shut his eyes as tears he didn’t know that still existed streamed down his cheeks. “You left me. Again.”


	2. For Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not existing in this world for several months – long story short: I went abroad to finish my degree. University life plus independence, and part time job altogether will make you too lazy or tired to write – this, I just found out. Anyhow, it’s our term break, so I bring you the next chapter! I have few more ideas for new AFTG fanfics/ficlets, I’ll probably type them down soon~
> 
> Anyway, ready your tissues, if you’re an emotional person. I mean, there will be fluff, humor, typical violence and of course, angst. Like, lots of angst. So be prepared.
> 
> And, I can’t quite get the characterization of AFTG characters, so I apologize in advance for my weird writing style, timeline, and upcoming OOCness.
> 
> I use song titles as chapter titles, by the way. And this one’s sung by Troye Sivan.
> 
> Enjoy!

 

Neil pressed the key to end the call before Answer’s even done with his response. He didn’t think that he’d be able to bear the emotions that he was able to bring forth from the blond anymore. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to resist calling a cab to go back to the Fox Tower any longer if he continued their conversation.

He was tempted to crash the phone or break it into two, however, the moment he raised his hand to throw it at the floor, his heart thumped loudly, begging him to stop. He gritted his teeth, and removed the SIM card instead before breaking the small thing into two and throwing it inside a trash bin.

He blinked when a hand offered him a handkerchief. He looked up and found his Uncle Stuart casually looking away while his left hand offered the said cloth. “I wouldn’t want people looking at us oddly. They might think I kidnapped you.”

_But, you sort of did._

Neil banished that angry thought since it was an unfair thing to think about. Stuart did all he could to salvage Neil from the Moriyamas months ago. He was still willing to sacrifice everything to save Neil this time. He could barely imagine how much bargaining his Uncle did just so that he would be released and be given a new kind of life. Again.

He reluctantly took the handkerchief and wiped the tear tracks on his cheeks. He made sure his face didn’t show anything but for some reason, few more tear drops still rolled down onto his lap.

“Andrew Minyard?”

The name he was trying so hard not to think about made him flinch. He mentally slapped himself for reacting so with the name of the only person Neil was willing to say ‘I love you’ to.

“You don’t have to answer me if you don’t want,” His uncle said.

He whispered, “Yes.”

Stuart finally looked at him. They stared down for a minute until the older Hatford sighed and crouched in front of him so that they were eye level. People around the airport were all around them, some just arriving, some departing, several murmuring complaints under their breaths, few are crying while saying goodbye to one another. Everywhere, Neil could see unfamiliar faces. And even if he wished that a blond head with hazel eyes and armbands hiding knives beneath them would appear soon, he knew that it wouldn’t happen.

So Neil, instead, focused his gaze at the man trying to save his and his family’s lives.

“Neil, listen to me,” Stuart murmured in German. He was surprised to hear his Uncle speaking another language, but he didn’t let anything show in his face. “Are you listening?” Stuart did his best to muster a calm voice, truly unlike Nathan’s. He gave a nod.

The older kept eye contact as he murmured, low enough for just the both of them to hear, “I am not doing this just for you, because I know that you won’t go with me if it is so. I am doing this for your friends whom you left behind in Palmetto State University since I know that you wouldn’t want to put them in danger. You’re as martyr as Mary.” He didn’t reply, and clenched his teeth with the mention of his mother. Stuart ruffled his head, which was covered with a black hoodie to hide him from anyone who might recognize him.

“I know how difficult it must be for you to adjust again. New name. New city. New personality. New life. But, I want you to realize that this is not permanent. Someday, we’ll eradicate all of your loose ends and I’m certain the little lord will let back if you show that you can still be an asset to them in that way.”

 _Don’t give me false hopes. I’m done with those. I’m so_ tired _of those._

“We will be leaving US in few more minutes and before we go, I want to tell you things I wasn’t able to.” He paused. “I apologize for not being there when you and Mary needed me the most. I apologize for being too late when she died. I apologize that you suffered a lot under your father’s hands before I was able to save you. You were very alone and lonely for so long. And I want to compensate in anyway that I can while I still can, Abram. I hope you’ll let me.”

The Hatfords were known for being great at lying and showing no emotions in their faces. And Stuart was a Hatford but currently, his face showed nothing but regret and sincerity. And it made Neil’s heart clench painfully. He never realized how much his Uncle looked like his mother.

“Stuart—“

“You can call me Uncle from now on.”

“Un--?”

“Because I know that left your father in South Carolina.”

His father died in Baltimore.

His confusion might have shown in his face because his Uncle smiled a little and whispered, “David Wymack. The Foxes’ father figure.” He paused. “So I’m willing to remain as your Uncle. That will be good enough for me.”

He nodded, because he couldn’t find his voice.

“I want you to survive, Abram. Survive for David. Survive for the family you left behind. Survive for Mary, who did everything to save you. Survive for me, who will give my all to continue what Mary started. Survive, especially, for Minyard.”

He responded with a rueful, “For him.”

Stuart nodded, a firm and fierce expression on his face. “You’re a Hatford. You’re Mary’s son, whatever name you’ll choose. You’re Andrew’s salvation. So board that plane with me. And survive.”

“For them. For him,” He said firmly.

As if on cue, they were called to queue for boarding. He stood up and slung his duffel bag on his shoulder. “Ready?”

He took a deep breath, hid his face as much as he could and faced forward because he couldn’t look back anymore. That wasn’t where he was headed. “Ready.”

 

Andrew should have expected that Kevin’s first response to his tantrum would have been: “What the fuck?”

He was able to wipe his tears away as quickly as they came. However, he knew that there were more from where they came from. He crashed his emotions mentally and set them aside because he never needed them. Not before. Not now. Not ever.

“Andrew, what is the lamp doing on the floor?” Kevin grumbled, eyebrow raised.

“A ghost went inside our room and crashed it.”

“Quit fucking with me,” the ex-raven snapped.

“Then quit asking the wrong questions,” He answered back, tone deadly yet devoid of any emotion.

Kevin’s eyebrow twitched in annoyance. “Why did you fucking crash the night lamp into the floor?”

He ignored the question, and taunted, instead, “Oh. Look, Kevin figured out what I meant.”

The dark-head clenched his jaw in irritation and was about to retort when his eyes landed on where Andrew was sitting on. His expression shifted from anger to worry. “Where’s Neil?”

_What I’d sacrifice to know._

“Good question.”

Kevin approached the front door and frowned at the missing pair of shoes in a corner. “Did he go to a run?”

“Partially.”

“Andrew, what the fuck? Answer me properly so I’d know what to do!” Kevin growled before approaching the drawers. He opened each, and his eyes turned wider and wider as he reached the bottom. His hands fell on his sides as he crouched in front of the drawers. “You’re fucking kidding with me.”

He didn’t answer. It would be a waste of energy.

Kevin turned to him. “Answer, tell me Neil didn’t run away.”

“He didn’t run away,” He deadpanned.

_Where are you? Where are you? Where the fuck are you?_

He finally stood up, quickly fixed himself, put on new set of clothes along with his armbands and knives and shoved his feet in his shoes.

He looked over his shoulder when Kevin said, “I’ve told the others.” He was about to step out of their room when Kevin whispered an anxious, “C-Coa—Dad?” He paused. “Neil ran away. He brought his duffel, binder, phone and keys with him.” He had no time to ponder the fact that Kevin was gradually learning how to be a son.

His step out of their room was halted when Kevin exclaimed, “His Uncle did? When?” Before he knew it, he had grabbed the dark-head’s phone and pressed ‘loudspeaker.’

Wymack’s voice filled out of the speaker. “Stuart called me about forty-five minutes ago. Apparently, he picked Neil up in the construction site at the back of the campus before midnight. He told me that he was taking Neil away for good because some of Neil’s father’s goons have escaped their little lord and jail, and are set out to kill the one who exposed them to the FBI.

He knew that Neil didn’t want to risk your lives again, and seeing as they were only after Wesninski’s son, they won’t be bothered to waste their time being a threat to us if they Neil wasn’t here – which was also why Stuart had sent some people to make sure the buffoons would know that their target was not here anymore. He told us to still be alert because the buffoons are sneaky and are into hiding in plain sight. I wasn’t able to respond since he was talking quickly and told me if I interrupt, he would not repeat anything and would end the call.”

He snarled at the phone, “Where did they take him?”

A sigh. “I don’t know.”

“Why the fuck didn’t you ask?”

“Of course I fucking did! But his only answer was that it was none of our business. That we should just focus on getting better and winning the championship so that Kevin and Jean will continue being assets. That we should entrust Neil in his hands.”

He almost gave out an amused laugh. Almost. “Did they think we’d let him go that easily?”

“He’s right on some part, though, Andrew.”

Andrew had never wanted to strangle David Wymach as much as he did at the moment. “Are you giving up on the Fox you fought for so hard last year, Coach?” His tone was mocking. But his heart was filled with rage and fury he was ready to bring about to those near him. Kevin must have sensed that, and backed away a little.

“Kevin, call everyone and tell them to meet in the locker room before classes start. Casual clothes’ okay. That includes you, Andrew.”

He huffed and threw the phone at Kevin. “No. I’m going to look for Neil.”

“Andrew.”

“Coach, can’t you see that we won’t even survive the year without—“

“Andrew,” The exhaustion and ruefulness he heard in the older’s voice had cut him off. “I know what you feel. And I know what you want to do so badly right now, but Neil had already boarded a plane for god know’s where. Whatever you do, wherever you go, you won’t find a trace of him. You know him better than all of us. You know how great he is. And with the help of his uncle and the FBI. You will find nothing.”

 _I need to find_ my _nothing. Not_ your _definition of nothing._

“So I am actually begging you to come to the stadium with the team. We need to think things over. And make decisions as a whole.”

 _We’re not even whole anymore._ I _am not whole anymore._

He glared daggers at the already open front door, and snapped, “Fine.”

_‘I’m fine.’_

_Fuck you, Neil._

_Fuck you for making me feel like this._

_Fuck you for making me feel at all._

Andrew tuned out everything as he sat on the couch he usually sat at. He was terribly conscious of the emptiness at his side, which was commonly occupied by a certain auburn-head.

Their classes would start in few more hours, but it was obvious to anyone’s eyes that none of the Foxes  --aside from the baby Foxes, who were not called forth—was willing to attend their classes. Not without their precious striker missing in action.

As Wymach retold everything he and Stuart Hatford talked about in the phone, Andrew tried to find ways to get ahold of where Neil was. His mind was digging all his memories up on where he would be able to find clues. It was a little given that Stuart would bring the auburn-head to Europe, but where exactly in Europe? Besides, the new year had barely begun and Andrew still had four years before he’d be given true freedom. If he wanted Nicky and Aaron to graduate, he also needed to graduate.

He clenched his fists and cursed Neil even more.

He didn’t know the direction the conversation had come to, but he was brought back to reality when something hit his chest. He looked down and found out that it was Coach’s wallet. He looked up and the older motioned for him to hand it back.

“I’m not medicated anymore.”

“Didn’t ask. Now, give that back.”

“One of these days, I will bring this back empty.”

“Hah. Sure.” Coach easily caught it when Andrew threw it at the man’s face as hard as he could. “You being angry at anyone won’t bring him back.”

 _I know._ “Didn’t ask.”

 Coach sighed and scratched his tribal tattoos unconsciously. “Were you even listening with our discussion?”

“I didn’t need to. I know that you just spouted complaints, finding no ways to find him, anyway.”

Matt stood up, snarling, “You basta—“

Dan grabbed her boyfriend’s arm to stop him. “Matt, calm down.”

The backliner growled, “How can you be so apathetic and unaffected? How can you remain like this when Neil’s taken away from us!”

“He wasn’t technically taken away. He came with his Uncle willingly. There’s a difference. One is willing to be found. The latter’s hellbent on doing his best to survive and hide.”

Matt seethed, and was about to throw a punch at him when Renee placed a hand on his forearm. “Matt,” She murmured as gently as she could.

The backliner sat back down, restraining himself. Andrew ignored the glare Dan threw at his way. Allison was tapping on her phone furiously.

Coach clapped his hands together. “Here’s what we’ll do—“

“We’ll search for Neil?” Nicky interrupted, hopeful.

“You’ll all go to your classes. And we’ll still do our usual trainings—“

“But--!” Matt started.

The man held his hand up. “But during the night, Kevin, you’ll stop the night training unless we really need to. We’ll use few hours of our time at night to find Neil. We can’t let this stop us. We can’t show the world that just because one of our members went away, we’re back to where we started. Let’s show them that Neil’s influence to bring us together didn’t stop the moment he disappeared. In fact, this should make us stronger. To somehow bring our message to wherever he is that we can still win without him. But _we cannot survive_ without him.”

Dan firmly nodded. “I know that all of us want to find for the boy that we’ve known as Neil Josten. I know that our team’s number 10 is missing. But this is just a crack. We can still fight. We just need to find the gold that will make us good as new again. Let’s not waste what he fought so hard for last year to accomplish – to make us whole.”

Their sickening optimism and encouraging words were making Andrew sick. As if their words would be good enough. As if this useless meeting could do anything at all.

He wanted to shout at them for being idiotic. Yet, he didn’t want to waste his energy.

He shouldn’t have been surprised that everyone nodded their affirmation. He blinked when everyone turned to him.

“We’ll need you in this, Andrew,” Renee said.

He tilted his head in a side. “What will you give me in return?”

“You ass—“ Allison begun.

Coach cut in with, “Neil’s return.”

“How can you be so certain?” He replied.

“Just say ‘yes,’ Andrew, and I’ll make a deal with you after.” He was about to retort again when he saw the fire in the man’s eyes. And it made him interested. It made him certain that the deal would truly be fulfilled.

“Yes,” He finally answered.

Abby smiled at him. He returned it with a blank face. “Anyway,” She started as chattering filled the room. “I need to know what each of us can do to find Neil. I know some people abroad – nurses and doctors I worked with before coming here, I can contact them in case Neil gets admitted or visits to their medical centers since we all know how much trouble our little fox is.”

That brought a little laughter.

Coach took out his phone. “I can use the other coaches’ connections. Of course, not Edgar Allen’s. But you know what I mean. I do assure you I’ll do my very best to search for him.”

Renee raised her hand. “I can ask Stefanie to ask some of her sources and friends for information and to spread the news as swiftly yet secretly as possible.”

Allison waved her phone. “Don’t need to ask me, bitches. You know me well enough.”

Matt nodded. “I can ask Mom and Dad for a little help. They travel the world a lot more than I do, and have met a lot of people.”

Dan grinned. “My stage sisters and some of the clients I’ve had which became my friends could definitely help me.”

Kevin crossed his arms. “I’ll do what I can do.”

_Fuck you. Typical Kevin._

Nicky gasped. “D-D-Do you think it’s possible that Neil’s in Europe?”

_Oh, look. My cousin’s learning._

The question was actually for Andrew since Nicky was looking at him with a surprised expression. “I wouldn’t answer a question you know the answer to, Nicky.”

Nicky broke into a smile. He knew Andrew enough to assume that as a ‘yes.’ “I can ask Erik and those that I met in Germany if they’d be able to locate Neil or find sightings of him! It’s the closest lead we have!”

And then the room was filled with shouts, chatter, mumbles, murmurs, questions and suggestions as the Foxes threw everything they had under their sleeves to search for the fox that brought them together. Now that he thought of it, Andrew knew that they wouldn’t even be in this room with not much tension among them if Neil didn’t bring them altogether last year.

After an hour, Coach dismissed them since they’d have their classes soon. Everyone was reluctant to go. But they were all determined to reach their goal.

It felt like Neil disappeared months ago as they marched out of the stadium.

He was left behind. Even Abby went out to give him and Wymack privacy. He looked up when their coach took few steps closer to him. Close enough that they’d be able to truly see each other, but not in each other’s personal bubble.

“I need you to give your best in our every game, Andrew.”

 _Typical Coach._ “I have no reason to do so, Coach.”

“For Neil.”

He glared at the older man. “He’s not even here.”

“Play every game like your life depends on it, Andrew, and offers will turn up left and right. Do your best and be the nation’s number one goalie and you’ll be in papers—“

“What would I need those for? I don’t even know if I intend to still not entirely hate Exy by the end of this day. What more to becoming pro?”

Coach sighed, exasperated and exhausted. He looked like he aged years in just a day. “Andrew, you’re not good with words. But you and I know how much you want to find Neil. But you can’t just walk away to search for him. So do what you’re good at – defending the goal. Shout to the world that you won’t bring Neil down, that you won’t throw his hardwork into the trash, that you will still defend the goal for him.”

He hated the fact that what the other was saying made sense so badly. And that Coach was correct. “Are you bargaining Neil’s return for championship win, Coach?”

Wymack ignored his taunting. “If you think his disappearance doesn’t affect me, then do know that I’ve just shed some tears I didn’t know I still possessed when Stuart hung up on me. If you think it didn’t kill me to make the decision to continue this year instead of searching for him, then know that I almost just quitted as your coach just to dedicate this year of my life to find him. I just know that he won’t like us to dwell with this. He’s much of my son as much as all of you are. I picked him up a skittish rabbit. I want him to graduate as a proud fox.

You can’t go back to living while waiting for death, Andrew. Neil won’t like that. Neil will gladly kill himself if you do that. So, make a deal with me. Live, defend that goal, and show Neil that you need him back. That you wanted nothing. And he was your nothing. And I’ll make sure that before the year ends, we’ll have him back, whatever it takes.”

A pause.

“For him,” Wymack whispered, desperate.

“For him,” He said back.

Few minutes passed that he was only staring at the man who gave them chances after chances to have a future. And right now, he was being offered one again. He offered a hand. “Deal.”

Coach broke into a relieved sigh and shook his hand. “Deal.”

 

They were bombarded with questions, with the press’ nosiness, with demands when the news broke out that Neil disappeared. There were negative and positive responses to his sacrifice.

When one reporter shoved a microphone in front of him after their practice, and asked, “Mr. Minyard, what can you say about Neil Josten’s selfishness to run away because his father’s men are after him? He could have put all of you in danger, yet, instead, he ran away and left you all behind.”

He wasn’t surprised when it was Matt who protested, “Say that again, you asshole—“ when Nicky grumbled, “Neil is never selfish, you fuck—“ when Allison snarled, “Get the hell away from us, and I’ll pretend you never said that about our baby deer—“ when Dan snapped as calmly as possible, “Neil’s willing to sacrifice his future here to save us, you fuc—“

What he didn’t expect was for Kevin to actually slap the microphone away and said, “Please stop wasting our time with pointless questions you have no evidence with. We still have a striker to look for.”

The reporter cowered from the famous Kevin Day, but he turned hopeful eyes to Andrew. He was tempted to just stay silent. But the word: ‘selfishness’ rang in his head over and over again. Fuck eidetic memory.

So he said, “Say that word again and I won’t hesitate to draw a knife and shove it in your throat.”

With that, the Palmetto State Foxes went away.

 

Andrew walked up the stairs and opened the rooftop’s door. He stepped outside and was actually hoping to find an auburn head sitting on the ledge already, wasting cigarette and waiting for him. Eyes shining the moment he looked at Andrew like Andrew was worth something. Like he was worth _everything._

A day barely passed that Neil disappeared.

He sat on his usual spot, and lit a cigarette. The smell badly reminded him of a blue-eyed asshole who left them to save _them_ from _his_ demons. It was so typically Neil, he hated Neil even more.

Cold breeze welcomed him, so he grabbed the coat he snatched on their coat rack before heading here, and put it on. He blinked when a folded piece of paper flew from the front breast pocket.

He saw his name on one side written in Neil’s penmanship. He quickly grabbed it before it flew away that he almost fell down.

He calmed his frightened heart and opened the paper to reveal a short letter inside. It was obviously written in haste. Last night, probably. Two minutes to spare to write as hastily as Neil could.

_To Andrew,_

_You probably despise surprises now. But I know how much you hate apologies as well._

_So instead, I’d like to say thank you. Thank you for the keys, the kisses, the truths, the trust. Everything. You were amazing. The year and months I spent by your side was the happiest I’ve ever been._

_My heart would continue beating for you, as long as I live. I love you._

_Don’t look for me._

_Win the championships for me._

_Live._

_For me._

_-Neil Abram Josten_

Neil Josten was nothing. Has been and will always be nothing.

Andrew was supposed to be found already. Yet he was lost again.

He had thrown away all emotions.

_So why does it hurt?_

“Fuck you, Neil,” He growled at the wind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, look, I added a chapter filled with nothing but angst. Surprise, surprise!
> 
> Next chapter: new characters! I'm loving one of them already. The other, you'll definitely hate. 
> 
> Anyhow, KUDOS AND COMMENTS SUPER APPRECIATED! THEY GIVE ME LIFE!
> 
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> Or [twitter](https://twitter.com/lfmh021?lang=en)
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> Will update soon! I promise! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and Comments appreciated!


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